How Self-Esteem is Built

When I first started my self-esteem coaching business as a side gig four years ago, I chose to work with ONLY young women ages 15-18. While promoting my program Strong Girls, numerous women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s wrote to me that they wished I was doing a program for them. There was so much interest that I had to say yes, so I designed Strong Women. About a year later, I simultaneously wrote a book on the process and opened my program to men and young men.

I love working with ALL these people. I have learned so much from all of them, and I am thrilled that I didn't limit myself or the program to one group of humans. Each individual is rich with potential to grow and change, and each person's journey is so unique.

One of the great joys of working with young people is that when I ask them questions about self-confidence, they simply say what they believe to be true. They don't know some of the answers, and they don't pretend to know. I'm not saying that adults always pretend, but sometimes adults know the answer but struggle with integration. Adults know the answers consciously, but don't know how to stop their unconscious patterns. They need support to help themselves see where they are stuck and learn tools and steps to get the answers.

One day I was working with a 15-year-old boy who came to me with the desire to have more confidence. In our session, I asked him, "How do you build self-confidence?" I waited for his answer as he spoke up sincerely and responded, "By not messing up." I looked at him and nodded my head as I understood, and I could tell he was sincere.

This was what he honestly believed.

It's no surprise that he was feeling the way he was. I asked him if there was another way that he thought he could build up his self-confidence.

His second answer was to avoid things he was not good at to avoid messing up.

I looked at him and said playfully, "These are terrible answers." We both giggled.

I reminded him of our conversation's importance because he had so much time to change those answers. He was expressing to me what I see in so many of us - adults and teenagers alike. I myself had both consciously and unconsciously believed this for years. The belief is that validation is found outside of ourselves, in other people's opinions or our performance.

This belief is, of course, a fallacy. The truth is that self-esteem is found in our character. My client and I talked about many things that day, and I could tell he understood why it was not a great idea to put the power of our self-esteem in the hands of others. The road to self-esteem is complex, but the formula is simple; I told him, "Self-confidence is built by keeping promises to ourselves."

As a storyteller, I share this story because the conversation is essential. As a yoga teacher, I share this story as a way for people to see where they still have room to grow.

On the mat, what is your internal dialogue when you mess up? Do you avoid things you are not good at so you don't mess up or fail? How many of us celebrate the fact that we practice with integrity, knowing that when it feels good, it's probably because we are keeping a promise to ourselves - not because we didn't mess up?

We will mess up, and self-respect is built in the space of failure and choosing to take responsibility for everything we think, feel, and do while simultaneously choosing to learn and grow.

xo,

Diana